i am grateful

These past few weeks have been difficult for me. I am not enjoying motherhood right now, and that makes me sad. It just seems like every day is a struggle. I love my children, but I know that I should not be doing this alone. I have always had a hard time being happy in the moment. It always seems so greener on the other side. With school out, I am finding too much time on my hands to think, and that isn't usually good. I just don't want to do it anymore, and that isn't an option. I do know that life is not meant to be easy, that we all aren't happy all the time, and that we are here to learn and grow. Trials are a part of life, the part that helps us learn and grow. But it is sooo dang hard right now. I think I am too hard on myself, and expect too much. I can never live up to those expectations. I'm struggling with kids who are starting to voice their independence and don't want to listen to me. Well. I know I will be okay. It's just something I know. I will learn and grow from these challenges and only come out stronger on the other side. It's just these dark days in between that make me wonder if I'm strong enough! The other day I had to sit down and list out all the blessings in my life. There are so many!

I am grateful for:

three healthy kids
being able to 'grow' three healthy kids in my belly! and having zero complications
my job
the awesome people I work for
the awesome people I work with
a steady income that I can depend on (finally!)
a SUPER visiting teacher and friend who helped me find and get this job
this nice cozy home we have to live in with a yard and citrus trees
great neighbors who care about me
a car that runs and that is paid for
my family. a mom and dad who would do anything for me
my health
a great neighborhood full of kids for my own to play with
summers off
taking my kids to work with me and bringing them home at the end of the day
having the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life
a mom who taught me to be faithful
a dad who taught me to be honest
the Savior and his unconditional love
the temple
being only 5 minutes away from the temple
the Book of Mormon
those who came before me and sacrificed so much
a getaway in the mtns, that we can escape to whenever we need
my college degree and parents who encouraged me to keep at it
that I have been able to lose 47 pounds!
an awesome landlady who lowered my rent this year
swimming pools and the discounted family pass
GOOD friends who have not let me go...i am not such a good friend...and continue to love me
the ability to support my family
bicycles
prayer and answers to prayers
a warm, cozy bed
hot water
RAID (bug spray)
a super ward family
books to read
journals to go back and read and laugh about my life
my piano skills
old 'friends' who show up and turn my life upside down


I could keep going on and on. I have so much in my life and so many reasons to be happy. I am going to try harder to smile and be happy. This life hasn't turned out QUITE how I expected, but does is ever really for anyone? I think not.