it's officially final

As of February 12, 2009 I am no longer married. Half of me is thinking that all of this mess is finally offically over and I don't have to do anymore work (and it was work) to get this divorce final. But another part of me is just sad. It has been almost a year that I learned my husband had kind of lost his marbles...that's the kind way to say it. So much has happened and I look at where I am today and am stunned at all that has changed. More stunned that I am still standing and breathing! I went from being a wife, stay at home mom who babysat and was able to take care of my home, take kids to and from school, to a full time working, responsible for everything, rent paying, single woman. It's all ridiculous and sooooooo not necessary, but I've learned that I am in control of no one but myself and I can't make decisions for anyone else...(except for my kids of course). It all stinks. That is all I can say. David came to me about the end of February last year and told me that he wanted to be with someone else. I no longer was the one he wanted to be married to. He let his eye wander, liked what he saw and was no longer content with me. I had gained a little too much weight and wasn't 20 anymore. I cried, begged, pleaded, talked and talked and talked trying to get him to see that he was making a huge mistake. I was willing to do anything to make it work or fix it. We saw our bishop a few times and it seemed that he was willing to try to make things work. But he always changed his mind again. His family ALL thought he was crazy, his friends thought he was crazy, everyone in our ward tried talking sense into him, but it didn't matter. We didn't have a perfect marriage, but I don't think that anyone does. We didn't fight a lot, we spent time together, we always worked things out when we disagreed. I will be the first to say that it wasn't perfect, but I do believe that you keep working at it. Nine years is a long time together....a lot of history. Not to mention three beautiful children. I was devastated. Spent most of April crying. I was also totally scared out of my mind. I don't want to live alone. I had no clue how to go forward and make decisions for my children and I about where to live, how to get a job. I was a pretty big mess. David told me that he still loved me, that we would always be friends, that he would still help me, but that he just needed something different. WONDERFUL! (sarcasm) Then the miracles started occuring in my life. I had a wonderful visiting teacher who was a good friend. She saved me. I was planning on subsituting the next year while I worked on getting my certificate renewed. Her husband works at Burke Basic School. She came to me one day and said that they were hiring there and that I needed to send my resume. My 10 year old resume? I looked through all my files and finally found it. She took it to her home and updated it for me. We then called the school. I was terrified! To make a long story a little shorter, I was hired 1 week later. They had finished interviewing, but made a concession for me, because of my friend. Still totally terrified, I now had a job. I hadn't taught in 10 years! But I had a job. My good friend also helped me find the house I live in today. I couldn't afford the house we were living in...didn't want to, so I moved out. She scoured the neighborhood looking for houses to rent. I was so sad for my kids. I had a hard time imagining where we might end up living. Another long story a little shorter, we found a 3 bedroom house a half mile from our other house. Huge backyard and nice neighborhood. I was so relieved. We moved out the second week of June. The kids took the news pretty well. They were more concerned if they would have their own rooms and a pool at their new house. Moving out was one of the hardest things. I still couldn't believe it was happening. Mom and dad came down to help and loads of friends from the ward came to help. It's been so tough and I still have a hard time telling people that I am divorced. It is a horrible word. I want to scream from the rooftops that it wasn't my choice, I was given no choice and that I am not a bad person. The kids are able to go see their dad whenever they want. He has been good about helping whenever I need it...and I have been pretty demanding about him helping. So we have all survived. I am getting more used to working and taking care of a home, not good at it yet, but working on it. The kids are doing well in school. They are able to go to school with me in the morning and we all come home together after. The school has an after care program that the kids go to. We usually are home between 3:30 and 4:00. I have the best family who have been there for me and helped me and are still helping me. I also have a few good friends that are there for me and make sure that I am okay. I also have seen so many blessings from my Heavenly Father. It is amazing to me how much he knows me and cares about me! So there is my sad story. I didn't intend for it to be this long. There is so much more to say, but I am done...for now! My kids are healthy and happy and that is all that matters!